I am scheduled for a complete hysterectomy on January 20. I’m just a few weeks away, and I feel like I’m saying goodbye to my life as I know it.
In the past, my FND has been very bad whenever I started my period. It would flare out of control with bad hormone swings. It was so bad that I often didn’t know if I was awake or asleep. I was stuck on the porch, unsure about how to get back inside the house. It scared me so badly that I stayed inside for a week after that. I felt like I was on drugs; my mind was reeling with confusion and depression. So, I got an IUD, which has helped considerably.
But, now I need a full hysterectomy because my ovaries are full of endometriomas that are multiplying and growing, and I have a bunch of uterine fibroids. Normally, people would heal in about 4-6 weeks.
I know the incisions will heal fine. The part that worries me is that my FND will likely flare with the loss of hormones and the shock of surgery to my body. And it was so bad last time that I’m very uneasy about the possibility of going there again.
So, I’m preparing things ahead of time so that I can set my mind at ease.
For instance, I’m preparing extra food each time I cook and putting half of it in the freezer so that meal preparation will be easier. I’ve got several casseroles, shepherd’s pie, spaghetti sauce, and turkey dinner. I’ve also made rolls and cookies and frozen them as well.
I’ve found that I really like having the food in the freezer. I’ve had several flared-up days where I’ve had to use the frozen dinners, and it’s been really nice to have that option.
I’ve also paused all of my responsibilities after my surgery. Anything I’m supposed to do (play piano, teach piano, be involved with anything) has been delegated to someone else or paused until I feel like myself again.
I have had the thought about what if I don’t go into remission again? What if I get stuck in a flared-up FND state for the rest of my life? It is not a rational thought, but it still comes, and I have to tell myself that I am worrying too much and that it probably won’t happen. I have reasons to believe that I’m going to be well again.
I have the tools that I know have helped me in the past – sunlight, walks, rainbows, suncatchers, prayer, music, sewing, dishes, etc. I have a great family and supportive friends.
And I know that my body needs this surgery. Every time my ovary hurts, it makes my body twitch. The only way is through it. I’m sure it will be hard, but I know God will be with me through it all.
And now, I just have to wait for the next lessons that I will learn from the school of slowing down.
I’ll see you on the other side.
I’ll share my journey as I face the unknown.